u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
