Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
