I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
