You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
