i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
How external is "for external use only"?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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