You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
i think i have herpe
just one?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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