that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I intend to get homeless drunk
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
