i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Randomize
