Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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