I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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