Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Randomize
