I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Randomize
