I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
