My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
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