I'm really into asian looking animals
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
