i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
