I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
