A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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