Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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