So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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