So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
