Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
