I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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