I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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