She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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