They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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