You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
