Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
