I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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