My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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