Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
