The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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