yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
