he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
