Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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