he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
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