you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
