i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
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