but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
