Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
