You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
