My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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