you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
