WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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