i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
