just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
