i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
