i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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