im having a threesome with these popsicles
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
