before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
