Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
