My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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