he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
