Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
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