Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize