It's Friday. Sex?
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
