I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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