So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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