i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
