I can text with my tongue
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
