At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
